From Dine Dine
The trial of ‘Schopenhauer’…
Memorie.al / This event happened, shortly after Ahmet Kolgjini was arrested, for the second time. It was a summer Sunday. Everything seemed inspiring; the shining sun, a sweet breeze to fill you with breath, the colorful flowers in the yard and butterflies of the most different sizes and colors, trying to grab the nectar of the flowers, countless birds chirping so joyfully and redeemed, in the green trees of poplars, as much as I can say without exaggeration, that they gave the impression of a symphony, full of colors and nuances. To be honest, because of this inspiration, she became a beautiful teacher, who one day suddenly came and sat next to my chair, while I was eating lunch in the canteen of the sector, since that day, my mother was not there.
Without further ado, she begged me to show up at the House of Culture from time to time, to play the accordion, telling me that it was the only way to be seen, without being noticed. When I asked her if she really wanted to see me as often as possible, she shook her head with a sweet smile and disappeared like a creature of the wind, but the emotions she created for me remained indelible…
The need for some sincere love had made me so optimistic and confident that on that day I believed that everything could change and turn upside down…! This was also the reason why I went out into the yard and started playing the mouth music, which I kept like the eyes of my forehead, that childhood relic, since at that time it was not easy to find them for sale. So that day I had that feeling, which pushed me to enjoy nature in a special way.
It seemed that even the “Olympia” harmonica had a different sound that day… and I kept playing it and playing it… when suddenly a metallic voice cut my melody in the middle…! I turned and saw the head of the sector, Rrap, riding on top of the bunker in front of my house…!
– “O Dean! They called me two hours ago, but I haven’t lost it at all…! For my own sake, I started as soon as possible to the Internal Branch… than they are waiting there.”
– “I didn’t understand why I had to be mad at him, but anyway I told him ironically, half-jokingly, that: ‘Usually, in these cases, they don’t bother you, they are coming and take you with ‘Gaz’…! But this time, they have changed their style, it seems”!
– “No Dine, no! Trust me, it’s not bad at all. When you come back, come and meet me because I’m worried”!
– “You know, responsible friend, I was never coming…”! – I muttered not without anxiety and in his eyes, I immediately got on the bike, and told him that; “I will try to be there as soon as possible…”!
On the way, while thinking about a thousand circumstances, I remembered an episode that happened many years ago…! As I rested, on a bank of the canal, I heard a nightingale lecturing on seven pairs of joys, and never rested for a moment. I tried to distinguish the singing bird, among the dense leaves, but they hid it and it was impossible to see it.
“Where do you find all that energy…”?! – I thought, while looking to discover it with my eyes, until at one point I spotted it. And not to dwell on the meditations and admiration that I was experiencing those moments, while listening there to his sweet and melodious wonder, which he perfectly mastered… I instinctively take the rubber bands out of my pocket, put a small pebble in them and simply pull them for them scared…!
But, will you, the stone goes and hits me on the mark, the singer hidden among the leaves and he falls lifeless at my feet…! I was very touched, when I saw that small and innocent creature, who was lecturing so wonderfully a few moments ago, that without disturbing anyone, had filled the place. As I watched it, I felt myself hating myself. Angry, I grabbed the slingshots, cut them into pieces and threw them into the drain.
This was the last moment of killing birds, on my part, of any kind. I remembered exactly this episode, while I was playing the music with such passion, under the effect of a love affair, when the head of the sector interrupted me in the middle, telling me to go to the Internal Branch…!
I had passed Savra, and I was somewhere near the Plasma Factory, lost in thought, when someone suddenly put their hand on my arm.
– “Where is the time, because we have four hours to wait!” You made us worry. The friends of the Branch are worried that you were too late”!
I felt so tense, that I was ready to answer them that: “For the concern of those friends, I wasn’t even bothered at all…”, but I kept silent, so as not to aggravate the situation even further, without finding out why they had me called.
I replied briefly that: “It was not my fault, and that I had left immediately, as I had been warned!”
And I continued cycling towards the city, while “Gazi” that was parked on the corner of the street, followed me from behind at the speed of my bike. I was experiencing a terrible state of tension, uncertainty and anxiety, which I may or may not be able to explain. Why not, and the same fear, when I remembered that I had been “invited”, to be arrested without much fanfare.
Perhaps it was better that way… and I expected that as soon as the door was opened, three or four of them would clasp my hands behind my back and handcuff me, uttering those now stale phrases: “In the name of the people, you are arrested” and thus the anxiety ended, once and for all!
The most contradictory thoughts accompanied me all the way. As soon as I approached the green metal gate, a civilian, who seems to have been assigned to wait for me, asked my name and escorted me upstairs. He knocked on the door, and only after hearing a; “Enter”! – he opened it and then received a “Thank you”! left.
The person who cordially invited me to sit down introduced me to the other two, whom I did not know. The first one who stood up and shook my hand, told me that he was Ahmet Kolgjin’s investigator, while the other one, I don’t remember very well, how he was introduced to me. Ahmet’s investigator had a pair of black mustaches, carefully cut, which did not leave a very good impression on me.
The other had a clean-shaven, healthy face that gave the impression of a grandfather. As soon as I sat down, Ahmet’s investigator stared at me, as if through that gaze, he would discover all the secrets that could serve his investigative work.
– “We will cut it short – Ahmet’s Investigator said – As we don’t have much time available”! – and made some movements with his hands, as if looking for something on the table, then opened a drawer and took out a notebook from there.
I saw that it was about one of my notebooks and when he asked me with the authority of the document in his hands, that; “whose notebook was that…”?! I did not hesitate to accept, that; “It was mine”!
– “Can you explain to us, whose work is this, which bears your name?”
I said, and without giving me time to continue, he pointed at me:
– “Do you know that ‘Schopenhauer’ is a pessimistic and reactionary philosopher, and that his ideas are in complete opposition to our Marxist-Leninist views? But what do you need, a young man, educated with the teachings of the Party and Comrade Enver, to deal with such misfortunes, which have led people to suicide?!
I’m talking for your own good!! Get me right! If it was different, I wouldn’t have called you at all, if we let you sink into that mud and one fine day, we would handcuff you and put you inside, where all those who deal with these bastards belong…!
Do you understand me?! Today you are called, only because we want your good! You don’t know what that friend of yours has tarred?! I’m sure that you, I don’t know at all, because if you knew, you wouldn’t have given the cure to that notebook. He has used your notebook for agitation and propaganda…! What do you say…?! Do you think I’m lying”?!
– “I can say only one thing for sure, that; Ahmeti did not need to use my notebook to do agitation and propaganda. Ahmeti didn’t ask me for that notebook, and he didn’t even know that I was working on the translation of Schopenhauer, and I don’t believe that the ‘Metaphysics of Love’, which I had dared to translate, could be something heavy for me and for him… !
If he knew, he would certainly laugh out loud at my poor English. Ahmet’s book had accidentally been left in my house for a long time, after he had been interned for some time, in the Cerma Camp. One day he had come to Gjaza to see a friend of his, and while he was leaving, we met by chance, and he remembered the book.
– “I believe you don’t need it, – he told me – if you wanted to return it to me”!
The book had been sleeping in my house for a long time, so I hurried, went home, quickly wrapped it in a newspaper and gave it to him. Since then, we haven’t seen each other again…! Now that I see my notebook here, I realize that I forgot it and by mistake, I gave it to him with the book. That’s all”!
In fact, everything I had said did not correspond to the truth, as Ahmeti had been to my house for lunch that day, and we had spent almost the whole day together. Even that day, I invited my cousins and some other friends and we ate, drank and chatted all the time, of course also addressing those topics, for which the risk of headache was present.
Ahmeti’s interrogator gave me a somewhat dismissive look, as if he remembered something important that had slipped his mind, and said: “Yes, do you know that Ahmeti has done agitation and propaganda with your Schopenhauer”! ?
– “Firstly, he is not my ‘Schopenhauer’, and secondly, Ahmeti, he has no need to use my notebook, because he knows English better than I do…”!
– “We also know this, but the fact is that he used exactly your material. ‘Schopenhauer’ was his idol, and do you know why?! Here I am telling you: Because Ahmeti was a deeply religious type. He has accepted this himself! He often expressed a sentence of Schopenhauer that he had made his own: “God is my idea!”
It is understood that he was affected by reactionary ideologies, but what surprises me is why he had to infect you too… Why did he have to fill the minds of others that; “Religion is healing”! when the greatest of our doctrine, has said that; “Religion is opium for the people…”?! And he was silent for a moment.
“We do not feel sorry for him, because he has already filled the cup! – Ahmet’s Investigator continued, – If that were the case, we would handcuff you! Just this notebook, which you have in front of you, and which you admit is yours, would be enough to handcuff you and throw you in prison…! Because you translated a banned book, with reactionary content, which has nothing in common with our progressive ideology! Even the fact that he trusted you ‘Schopenhauer’ shows that he had a lot of faith in you, as a close friend that you were”.
It was understood that now Ahmet’s investigator was also using blackmail to intimidate me, either to blame Ahmet, or even me, who had fallen victim to a “declared enemy”.
I was silent for a while, then I expressed that; I had not had any kind of special association with him, because I had gone to his house, like everyone else, in some case of bitterness… and that was it…!
But he insisted, even accused me that; I was often seen going to Ahmet’s house at night. Not only that, I was being accused of hanging out with him for a long time and this showed that my conversation was also salty.
“Oh, – I told you, apparently with some surprise, – it is true that you saw me go there, but not to Ahmet’s house, I went to Ismail Spahi’s house, because I worked with him and he had the habit of always wearing tails spare shovels, and it often happened to me, that my tails were broken during work, and I always found a solution at Ismaili.
This could be a reason why I was often seen on that road, but I turned to the left from Ismail and not to the right, where Ahmeti lived…! Thus, they may have given you wrong information in this case”!
He stared at me with a kind of nervousness, as if he wanted to eat me, but he refrained, because he wanted to achieve his goal. For a moment he stepped and pretended to get up from the chair and sat down again as if by rapture
– “Just so you know, we always have correct information, and just so you know, our Party never accuses people on false information”!
– “I believe it’s just a misunderstanding” – I added with a kind of ironic innocence, without further ado!
– “You say that at Ismaili, you stay for two hours, for a cow’s tail”?!
– “No,” I said flatly. – Ismaili was a hospitable man and wouldn’t let you leave his house without a glass of brandy, and his wife, as soon as the brandy started, would prepare the appetizer… and so the hour passed unnoticed. And me, who used to drink brandy, with one glass I would have fun and forget that you become a mother…!
– “Well, – Ahmeti’s investigator interrupted me – we are not interested in the details, but what were you talking about when you were having fun… that you were having fun…”?!
– “We used to talk about garlic, onions, tomatoes, because I also liked it and planted them every year in my garden…! Here, for such things, and also for construction problems, after all we were both masons by profession and we often worked together…”!
– “I sincerely believe that with Ismail, you may have discussed such things, because you are a kind of pehlivan, who adapts to everyone, I’m not saying this in a bad way, believe me, but by the way, we want to know, that I talk to Ahmet, that he is intellectual, has wide knowledge and wide culture, knows foreign languages, is pleasant to talk to, right?
At first I pretended to smile, but it was like a kind of evil grimace.
– “I know you won’t believe me, but he was a sick football fan. If it happened that we worked together in agriculture, from morning to night, he was a fan”.
– “Of course, it would have been with the Germans” – said Ahmet’s interrogator, and I was somewhat surprised, because I was not prepared for this variant of the lie. But there and then I answered quickly, that; of course, it was only about the Lushnja “Tractor” team, as we had grown up in that city. Signs of irritation appeared on Ahmet’s interrogator’s face, after he stood up and pointed his index finger at me:
– “Listen, Dine, maybe you think you surprised us with this nonsense you invented for us, but you knew that one day, they will fall on your back. I am warning you, because the very fact that you have browsed ‘Schopenhauer’, the most pessimistic, most reactionary author, which is in flagrant contradiction with our objective, optimistic ideology, which builds socialism, with its own forces, so this fact alone is sufficient, to put both feet in one shoe. If you don’t understand, break your neck!
Today, I have called you here for the notebook that bears your name, to explain to us your connections with Ahmet Kolgjin, who has used this material, at your will, where and how he pleased, abusing and doing agitation and propaganda, against our popular power…! But since we are here at the ‘Schopenhauer’ notebook, I will ask one more question, to see how honest you are with us…!
What about those other essays that are after this one that you translated, and that I’m sure you, if you haven’t read them, at least browsed them all…! And I believe you remember them well, what can you tell us? What about ‘Women’, about ‘Suicides’, about ‘Noises’, about literature…, what do you think…?! Or you just haven’t read them and don’t know anything about them?
In fact, I had translated all of them, but the wave of arrests that involved our entire generation forced me to burn them all…! So, the only way out was not to give him any further explanation about this.
While the investigator tried at all costs to get me to admit that I knew about other essays, and in particular about that one; “On suicide”, for a moment the portrait of my friend, Ahmet, flashed before my eyes. Suddenly I burst into curses: “Mascarenj, fruitless, practice the most unworthy trade in the world, that of deceiving honest people, who owe you nothing, to send them to the bottom of hell, all alone, why can’t you stand their intelligence!
I don’t understand, ask him for more?! You spent your whole life in prison! The first time you arrested him at school, when he was almost a child! Why, even then, was he doing agitation and propaganda?! He was wise, smart, so he killed your eyes. You buried him alive in the hell of Burrel prison even though he was not yet 18 years old! Incorrigible sinners! Don’t worry, in this world everything will be paid! You don’t know what to do! Your conscience doesn’t kill you for anything, and you feel good only by doing bad things…”!
I had almost lost it…! I remembered Ahmet and it was as if I had him in front of my eyes, with longing that did not go away for a moment, when I felt a hand that suddenly squeezed me: “Hey, who are you talking to like that?! It seems to me that you have gone astray”! Ahmet’s investigator rushed to me.
I was mentioned…! I felt that I was not well, and yet I had to go on…!
He smiled bitterly, and walked around in front of me, waiting for an answer, and when he saw that he didn’t get any kind of answer, he took a piece of paper and started writing himself. After writing about half a page by hand, where only the sound of the pen could be felt, he gave it to me to read…! I complained to him that nothing he had written was true.
Then he, deeply indignant, nervously shoved the letter in front of my eyes and yelled at me: “Take it and write it yourself, whatever you want”.
With my trembling hand, I took the pen and wrote everything that I was convinced, that could not be used as evidence against Ahmet. As for me, I acknowledged that the 44-page notebook was mine, and I put down a signature, accepting everything under my responsibility…
After a few months, it was my turn to have Ahmet’s bad luck, and as soon as I entered the courtroom, judge Sofokli Papajani, to make sure that I had signed the statement myself, supposedly confidentially, told me: “My mistake great to read ‘Schopenhauer’, because it has led thousands to suicide!”
I just kept silent and he didn’t talk any further! The name of Ahmet’s investigator was not mentioned anywhere. After all those mishaps of the investigation and trial, they took me from Kaushi straight to Spaç. In the Spaçi camp, I was awaited by my fellow sufferers, in the internment camps, such as; Qemal Dema, Lekë Mirakaj, Naim Staravecka, my cousin, Adnan Nasufi, and many others, whom we knew since childhood. After longingly hugging everyone, at the end, I noticed Ahmet’s earth-colored face…!
We wandered in each other’s arms and remained like that hanging on each other’s necks, until one of our friends called us…; “Hey, the rest of us are here too.”
When we headed to the canteen for dinner, since, as is the tradition, the new prisoners were quite hungry, we once again approached Ahmet…! And I whispered in his ear a saying of Schopenhauer, which we both liked: “It is difficult for an evil to come without its own compensation”!
He, with a painful smile, once again threw his arm around my neck and squeezed me once more, and we sat at the bread table, remembering the past times and sharing the evil that fate had thrown us, that it was not known when it would come to an end…! Memorie.al
